


Catastrophe Awaits No One

by LeToastBurnt



Series: Catastrophic Escapades in the Past [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, But he likes this blond haired kid, Catastrophe, Crack, Gen, General madness, Hashirama doesn't know what's happening, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Izuna is polite, Lmao I need a new name for this, Naruto's 15 page power point on why not to steal eyes, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tobirama doesn't either, Uchiha Flailing, Uchiha screeching, my eyes are burning, send help, suggestions are welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27615451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeToastBurnt/pseuds/LeToastBurnt
Summary: Naruto's in the past, he's not sure what's happening but Sakura's probably going to be mad.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto (mentioned)
Series: Catastrophic Escapades in the Past [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019043
Comments: 26
Kudos: 114





	1. Arrivals and Stomping on Peoples Day

Naruto woke with a moan of pain.

Sadly, this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. In fact it was actually rather common. 

“Kurama…” He groaned.

“What did I do this time..?”

No response.

“Eughggggg” Naruto moaned. “Kuramaaaaaaaa”

The fox didn’t reply.

Deciding to take matters into his own hands Naruto leapt into his mindscape.

“Kuramaaaaaa” Naruto whined at the fox

“Kuuuurrrraaaammmmmaaaaa” Naruto whined louder.

“Kuraaaammmmmaaaaaa” Naruto started stomping on one of the foxes tails.

“What the hell are you doing brat!” Kurama snapped, _finally_ waking up.

“What happened?”

The bijuu stared at him in disbelief.

“This is what you wake me up for?”

“Well… Yeah.”

Kurama snarled, slapping Naruto with his tails.

“Owwww.”

“Are you high?”

“Huh?”

The kitsune snorted,

“Whatever, we’re in the past.”

Naruto blinked.

Kurama threw him out.

Naruto blinked, now staring at tree canopies on his back.

Naruto moaned again, this time thinking about what Sakura would do to him.

* * *

The next time Naruto woke up he was in a white room.

He moaned for no particular reason.

A head appeared in his field of vision, silky black-brown hair falling into his face.

“Hi.” He said.

The face blinked at him.

Naruto pushed himself up.

The head receded and he turned to find one Hashirama Senju staring at him.

“Oh hey Shodaime-sama.”

Hashirama blinked at him slowly.

“I’m sorry what?”

Tobirama Senju walked into the room.

“Oh hey Nidaime-sama.”

Tobirama blinked at him.

“Oh, wait-” 

Naruto blinked.

“Arghhhh.” Naruto groaned

Tobirama looked at him curiously

“I probably just ruined like 15 timelines…”

Hashirama looked at him concernedly.

“Sakura’s gonna kill me…”

Hashirama looked a little worried now.

“She’s going to bash me into the ground, and then she’s going to heal me just so she can break all my bones one by one.”

Tobirama looked concerned now.

“And then _Kurama’s_ going to kill me.”

Hashirama looked prepared to call another medic.

“He’s going to bijuudama me into the past.”

Naruto released a semi-hysterical laugh.

“Or more into the past!”

Tobirama went back to looking curious.

Naruto finally looked up.

“Oh uh, yeah, I’m Uzumaki Naruto, time travel extraordinaire.”

Tobirama was definitely curious.

Hashirama looked at him like he was crazy.

Naruto continued on.

“Although I dunno if I can be called extraordinaire… This is my first time..”

“Are you okay?” The Shodaime cut in, or maybe future Shodaime.

“Well,” Naruto sighed, “Other then inevitable beatings from just about everyone I know I should be fine.”

Hashirama blinked again before clearing his throat, “Alright then..”

“You’re going to make a village.” Naruto didn’t know _why_ he said that.

“Oh kami I probably just ruined like 9 more timelines..”

Hashirama on the other hand was beaming.

“Did you hear that Tobi! I make a village!”

Tobirama was busy staring at Naruto like he held the key to all the secrets to the universe, which, to be fair, he did hold the key to fortune telling.

“Are you a shinobi of this village?” 

“Uh, yeah.”

“What clans live in this village?”

“Well, uh, the Nara, um, Akimichi, Yamanaka, uhhh, Inuzuka, Hyuuga, and uh, Aburame.”

Hashirama looked at him curiously.

“What about the Senju? Or Uchiha? Or Hatake? Or Uzumaki? You said you were an Uzumaki right?

Naruto laughed nervously.

“Uhm- Well, about that. I’m not sure what happened to the Senju but Tsunade- your granddaughter or something -is a Senju. Uhh, the Uchiha were wiped out by Uchiha Itachi by order of the Sandaime I think. Sasuke- My friend -is the last Uchiha or whatever. He had some serious problems. Next generation Madara am I right?”

Hashirama stared at him blankly.

Tobirama looked like he was trying very hard not to snicker.

“Uh, anyways, the Hatake? Those guys used to be a clan right? Well my sensei Kakashi Hatake is like the last one of them. His dad committed seppuku or something like that. The Uzumaki. Oh yeah. We were wiped out.. Them and Uzushio. Three decades ago? I think it was three and a half. At least for me. It’s probably a few decades away from you guys.”

Tobirama blanched at that.

“Holy shit I just ruined more timelines didn’t I?”

“Errgghhhh. Maybe the past isn’t so bad.”

“What about Madara?”

“Oh him? He started the fourth shinobi war. Or, technically anyways. He manipulated some kid, my sensei’s teammate I think. To capture all the tailed beasts and shove them into a giant sentient log or something. I’m not to clear on the details… Anywho, he failed at that. He wanted to put everyone in some kind of moon genjutsu or something. He did actually, for a little now that I think about it.. But we stopped him! Or.. Well.. Actually the moon is just some asylum for some crazy rabbit goddess. So broke out. And tried to kill us. Almost succeeded actually!”

Hashirama looked ready to faint.

Tobirama had whipped out a notebook and was taking notes on everything.

“It’s not that bad though! Konoha is thriving! Mostly! We beat the evil rabbit goddess and now there’s worldwide peace!”

Hashirama looked relieved. 

Tobirama started to look bored.

“Although we might have to do something about Madara… Hey that Izuna guy is still alive right?”

“Still alive?” Tobirama questioned

“Yeah he dies, and Madara goes crazy.”

Hashirama was tearing at his hair.

“Madara turns good in the end though!”

Hashirama paused.

“But first he tried to destroy the village with Kurama, the Kyuubi.”

Hashirama continued.

“He turns good at the end-end though. Like after the war.”

Tobirama looked faintly guilty “I did injure Izuna pretty bad yesterday…”

“Alright!” Naruto sprung up, “New plan!”

Hashirama had tears pooling in his eyes.

Tobirama's eyes were shining with excitement.

Naruto's eyes were just shining.

“We’re going to go heal Izuna!” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Screeching, Flailing, and Powerpoints.

“Aniki-” Izuna rasped, “Take my eyes.”

The door flew open.  Quite literally.

The door tore off its hinges and flew through the window with a resounding crash.

“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!”

Izuna blinked.

There was some blond-haired kid at the doorway looking extremely flushed, as though he had just run incredibly far. 

His rival was peeking his head through the doorway (or at least what used to be the doorway) curiously. 

His brothers rival peeked his head in above his brothers before careening towards the blond and tumbling down with an undignified yelp and landing in a tangle of limbs.

Tobirama scrubbed a hand against his face.

The blond picked himself off the floor, kicking Hashirama with a muttered “oops” that sounds none too apologetic.

Madara screeched.

Tobirama looked at the Uchiha curiously.

“Ehem.” The blond cleared his throat over the sound of Madara’s screeching.

Madara ignored him in favor of screaming at Tobirama.

“YOU!”

Tobirama tilted his head to the side.

“Me.”

Madara screeched some more.

Despite himself Izuna attempted to hide his snicker.

Izuna looked to the side to find Hashirama- who had been crawling his way towards Izuna -healing him.

“Hi.” The man whispered.

“Hello.” Izuna replied, purposefully loud.

Madara’s head immediately swiveled towards Izuna’s prone form.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” Madara screamed, flailing widely.

“Madara!” Hashirama cheered. “I’m healing Izuna of course!”

Madara paused. Then he flailed.

Tobirama leaned away from Madara's thrashing limbs. The blond looked annoyed.

Izuna directed his gaze toward the blond.

“Who are you?”

Madara turned an accusing glare at the blond.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Izuna responded because he was polite.

“Uzumaki Naruto, Time traveler extraordinaire.”

Izuna stared. Naruto stared back.

“You look like Sasuke.”

Tobirama looked at the blond curiously now.

“I-Shoved-Lightning-Through-Your-Chest-And I'm Proud of It-Sasuke?”

“Yeah that’s the one.”

Izuna blanched.

“That doesn’t sound like a good friend.” He observed.

Naruto nodded. 

“We’re married now.”

Izuna stared at Naruto oddly.  Naruto waved it off.

“You don’t act like him though. Sasuke’s  _ never _ polite. He’d probably kill me before being polite.”

Naruto’s face turned considering.

“Then again he’d kill me before doing a lot of things.”

Naruto turned towards Madara. Oblivious to the stares he was receiving. 

“I’ve only seen Sasuke flail once but it looked a lot like that.”

Naruto’s eyes bore into Madara as though looking for something resembling his husband. 

Hashirama cleared his throat awkwardly.

Madara broke his stare-off with Naruto to look at Hashirama.

“WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?” Madara screeched.

Tobirama scoffed. “I should think that’s rather obvious Uchiha.”

“BUT WHY?” Tobirama shrugged.

“Ask Naruto.”

Everyone looked at Naruto.  Naruto sighed.

“Fine, if you  _ really  _ wanna know then I guess I can. Although I’ll have to keep it to a minimum.” 

Hashirama and Tobirama looked at Naruto, disbelief obvious on their faces.

“Well, y’see Madara goes crazy when Izuna over here dies and then he tries to kill Hashirama ‘cause he doesn’t have any other coping methods.”

Madara looked offended.

Hashirama looked delighted.

“So anyways Hashirama beats him but Hashirama is a wimp and can’t kill Madara so he’s like ‘let’s make peace!’ Madara scoffs and is like ‘You gotta commit suicide or homicide choose one!’ and obviously Hashirama chooses suicide.”

Tobirama raised his hand.

“Yes.”

“Who was he supposed to kill?”

“You.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Anywho, Hashirama’s over here prepared to gut himself like Sakura-chan guts her fish before she heals them and then Madara actually decides to be a decent human being and was like ‘psYcHe I was hoping you’d kill Tobirama but apparently not, so fine then don’t die. And then you all built a village. Or Tobirama built a village. I’m not really sure what everyone else did. He designed like half the village.”

Tobirama looked smug

“But thennnn Tobirama’s like we’re going to be a democracy and Hashirama is sure and then Tobirama says that Hashirama has to be a candidate for Hokage because he  _ was _ the founder of the village and Madara- who is eavesdropping like a little kid -starts throwing a temper tantrum and runs away- like a little kid.”

Madara looked ready to throw a temper tantrum.

Izuna is choking, whether on laughter or disbelief he didn’t know.

“And then Madara wants a pet so he goes to the animal shelter but they don’t have what he wants so he sets off on a journey to find his dream pet or whatever and he’s find Kurama- The Kyuubi -and is all like, “This is the o n e.” So he brainwashes his new pet and makes him attack Konoha- That’s your village by the way -and Hashirama is like 'Oh no! Definitely didn’t see this coming!' and Tobirama rolls his eyes and says 'I did.' Then Hashirama fights Madara and Kurama and his wife, Mito- she’s an Uzumaki -seals Kurama inside herself.”

Hashirama looked horrified.

Tobirama looked like he was enjoying the story.

“Anyways. Long story short, Madara, supposedly, dies and Uchiha are kinda not liked as much. Fast forward a few decades into the future and you have some 12 year old kid called Itachi. Itachi over here is a child genius and has been killing for people for half his life. The Uchiha’s are planning a coup cuz no one likes them ‘cause some Uchiha released the Kyuubi in the village.”

Madara choked.

Tobirama was taking notes.

“But not to worry! My dad took care of that! He sealed Kurama inside of me and died. Anyways I’m getting off track, Itachi had a best friend Shisui and Shisui had the Mangekyo Sharingan. Shisui thought it’d be a good idea to brainwash the Uchiha elders into not becoming traitors. And it  _ was _ a good idea until Danzo decided that he hated the Uchiha and stole one of Shisui’s eyes.” 

Izuna was outraged.

Hashirama looked sick.

“So Shisui ran away to Itachi with one eye and one empty socket bleeding like crazy. So Shisui was all like. 'Hey Itachi! Have an eye!' Itachi took the eye like the good child he was and Shisui was like 'Protect that eye, because I can see the future and you’ll need it.' Then he jumped off a cliff and died so Itachi could have his Mangekyo Sharingan.”

“WAIT!” Madara screeched.

Everyone turned to look at him.

“All this happens because I turn evil?”

Naruto considered it for a moment before nodding. “Pretty much.”

Madara looked like a kicked puppy.

Naruto ignored him and continued on. “ ‘Nother long story short, Itachi kills everyone because Danzo and the Hokage told him to. Then he traumatizes his little brother Sasuke to make Sasuke kill Itachi because Itachi thinks he doesn’t deserve to live. So Sasuke goes on to be an avenger and in the process of running away- just like Madara -tries to kill me by spearing lightning through my chest.”

Naruto was quiet for a moment before he paled.

“More timelines down the drain!” He wailed.

The room was completely silent sans the quiet scratch of Tobirama’s pen.

Hashirama looked ready to faint.

Madara did faint.

Izuna laughed maniacally.

“HAHAHA. MY DEATH AFFECTS THE WHOLE WORLD.”

Naruto shrugged.  “I mean if you want to look at it that way.”

Tobirama looked up from his notepad. 

“I heard that Madara was going blind before Naruto threw the door out the window.”

“I didn’t throw it! I didn’t think it was so weak!”

Tobirama ignored Naruto in favor of staring holes into Izuna.

“Uh yeah.”

“Why don’t you just switch eyes.”

Izuna stared at him.

Madara, who had woken up, fainted again.

“Oh yeah!” Naruto interrupted.

“Sasuke stole Itachi’s eyes once he killed him and he got the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan or something!”

Naruto looked thoughtful.

“Y’know I think I remember him saying that the Uchiha massacre and everything Madara did could’ve been avoided if you guys just switched eyes…”

His expression turned exasperated. 

“What is with you people and eyes?!” He yelled “Getting new eyes! Stealing eyes! Switching eyes! What is wrong with regular eyes dammit?”

It was Izuna's turn to flail.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh, I'm not too satisfied with this chapter...
> 
> Idk. Maybe I'll come back and review it at a later date.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> Idk lmao
> 
> This idea just came to me and I'm like y e s.
> 
> Please help.
> 
> Idk whether or not to make the second part of this a second chapter or a different fic.


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